I still think the failed NYC bomber wouldve done far more damage if he drove through Times Square in a Toyota.

Politics is like washing a window. No matter which side you are on, the dirt is always on the other side!

The most suspicious thing about the attempted bombing in Manhattan, was that the driver found a parking spot.

A pessimist will say “things can’t get any worse”. An optimist says “don’t worry they will!”

If George Washington never told a lie… how exactly did he get elected?

In Russia dentists used to give fillings through the ear, cuz people weren’t allowed to open their mouths…

Why aren’t there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? A: Because they’re not going to work in the future, either.

Pay no attention to people who talk behind your back, cuz it simply means that youre two steps ahead of them!

Evening news is where they begin with the words “Good Evening”, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Computers are machines that help you solve problems you would’ve never had if you didn’t have a computer!

The reason so many people died in China’s earthquake last night is because all the houses are “MADE IN CHINA”

I asked a guy “how long have you been working here?” He said “well, ever since they threatened to fire me!”

The economy is so bad that I’m getting pre-declined credit card offers!

Right now I’m having amnesia & a deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

A father caught his son smoking & told him that if he catches him smoking again he won’t die from smoking.

My first psychiatrist said I was was paranoid, but I want a second opinion because I think he’s out to get me.

The biggest advantage of living over 100 is that whatever you do, there is no peer pressure!

If you are busted doing a Ponzi Scheme its a Segula for Arichas Yomim.

What would the Lubavicher Rebbe do if alive today? He’d bang on his grave & scream for someone to let him out!

What would Martin Luther King be if he was white? Alive!